lifeinflux

Onward and upward

// August 12th, 2009 // Life

I’ve spent the last two weeks living in my head quite a bit, working on my list of 100 things that make me happy. I also spent some time traveling down South, reconnecting with wonderful friends, and getting to know my new nephew. As I’ve worked on my list of 100 things, I decided to write down only those items, occasions, or happenings that truly make me happy as opposed to simply listing things that don’t make me unhappy. A few of the entries concern individuals who are no longer in my life. I came to the realization that, for myriad reasons,  I’ve pushed away a lot of people who truly made me happy or whose company, both online and/or in real life, I’ve truly enjoyed while spending a lot of energy and time on people of whom, ultimately, I’m not particularly fond or who bring such drama and negativity into my life – either on their own or through the negative people with whom they associate, that I’m left feeling upset, confused, and occasionally hurt by the stress and the noise.  I have long arms – I can stab myself in the back, thank you very much.   Luckily, I have some great friends who hang in there with me. I also recognize that I’ve let go of a lot of activities that define me, as well… me. For the first time in a long time, I feel emotionally and physically ready to make some good decisions to get me back on track.

I suppose you could say that things came to a head back in April when I ventured out of my comfort zone and put myself in a real life situation where I met a few individuals who had been mere text on my computer screen for the last few years while traveling with my supposed best guy friend. A lot of the experience was down right awful and does not warrant repeating. However, I will say if you want to really get to know a person, travel with them. Hanging out with a person over the course of almost a decade does not expose their true nature like traveling with them out of their comfort zone does.   That said, while I confronted a painful reality, made a hard decision and walked away from a toxic person in my life – and the toxic online community they brought me into almost ten years ago – the entire week long experience was not bad. I reconnected with two acquaintances from Minneapolis who had moved to the Bay Area and found them as delightful, if not more, than I remembered and look forward to spending time with them in the future as I believe we could develop lovely friendships. I saw a friend or two out there which was also nice and I rediscovered my love for the west coast and got a small taste of life out there and found it extremely pleasant.

To date, my life has been divided into two distinct areas. The first seventeen years were about surviving. These last seventeen have been about healing, first emotionally and then physically as well.  And now, I’ve come to a place of acceptance about myself, my past and my present.   It’s a great feeling knowing I’m at a place in my life where I can start considering my wants, needs and feelings as well as start being considerate of myself and those wants, needs and feelings. Who knew that all I needed to do was to give myself permission to do so?   What can I say?   Occasionally, I’m a little slow.

Emotional closeness does not come easily to me.  Often when I feel a real connection to someone, I will subconsciously or intentionally sabotage the relationship. Most times, I will simply shut down avenues of communication. I’ll isolate myself and draw lines in the sand. It takes a special – and incredibly stubborn – person to hang in there with me for the right reasons. Some people stick with me for the wrong reasons or their own selfish reasons. Those are the people whom I am walking away from. I find, at the ripe old age of … gulp… 34, I am growing and maturing.  I’ve  hit a place in my life where I started realizing who I am and am thinking more in terms of what I want as opposed to what I will settle for.  As my focus changes and becomes sharper and targets what I want and need, I discover  I no longer need to toe an invisible line of what society and others tell me I am supposed to want and to do.    Also, I find that friendships based on mutual respect strengthen and grow with me and the others simply self-destruct on their own. My current focus is on living  with less stress (stress-free seems too much to hope for) and embracing a happier, more fulfilled me.  I’m not sure exactly what all that life will contain, but I’m certainly looking forward to the journey.

While working on my list of  100 things that make me happy, I find myself stuck at number 48.   I have clearly defined 47 occasions, people and items that truly make me happy.   Frankly, I’m not sure if there are 100 things out there,  at this time in my life, that make me happy.  That might seem a little sad to some; however, given that 17 years ago, I would have been hard pressed to come up with ten things that made me happy, I think this leap to 47 is a sure sign of improvement.   My soon to be “100 things that make me happy” is a list in progress.   Feel free to go review them, watch the list grow as time passes and comment if you’re so inclined.    And if you have a suggestion for something new and different for me to try (aka something that is not on my list already) to see if that activity makes me happy, please let me know.  As my apprehension decreases and acceptance of my basic human weaknesses and fallibility increases, I’m all about trying new things these days!   Not to mention, I am not currently encumbered by a traditional 9-to-5 job.   I might as well take advantage of this freedom, right?