lifeinflux

An unstructured structured existence, part one

// September 17th, 2009 // Life

Now that I am working from home and am only responsible to myself for getting my ever-growing list of to-do’s done, I find I am indulging in a rather unstructured existence.   Granted, this is a nice change after four and a half years of structured and stressful living, meeting the demands of The Man^TM and wondering what was missing since I was not really enjoying myself or particularly happy. My life was not so different from most people. I woke up at 6 AM every day, hit the snooze button for half an hour, talked myself out of bed only to glance at the clock and realize I was officially running late and compensating for that by rushing through a shower, throwing on a suit, attending to Drue and getting us to our respective venues by specific and set times five days a week, forty-nine weeks a year. I’d rush to pick up Drue, rush home, make dinner (occasionally), or eat something quick and processed (usually), stress through Drue’s homework while juggling client demands, get her to bed, and then either work until I fell asleep over my laptop or give up on that day entirely and crash out in front of the television until I fell asleep. I’d wake up around 1 or 2 AM, wash my face, brush my teeth and pass out until the alarm rang at 6 AM the next day. Sounds great, right? Yet day in and day out, this is the life so many people lead simply because they feel it is the right thing – the only thing – and what they are supposed to do. So we settle. I settled. And I settled for the two worst reasons: a paycheck and I had no idea what else I should do.

Bringing in a paycheck makes sense, right? You need money to live. And when you are living in one of the most expensive suburbs in the country, have a child in horseback riding lessons, and have a deep seated love of hair product and traveling, a regular, steady paycheck makes all this possible. But to spend forty plus hours a week in search of the almighty dollar for the sake of earning that almighty dollar as opposed to working because you love what you do (and the paycheck is a nice bonus) eventually leaves you feeling dissatisfied and depressed. At least, that’s the feeling it left me. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed my actual work and felt good about the contributions I made to my respective companies and their clients. I worked hard and earned my money and the company and the clients got their money’s worth, which is a nice feeling all round. But something was missing. And while I prefer to not get into what was missing for me – since it could lead to burned bridges and unnecessarily hurt feelings – I will say that it left me feeling stressed and unhappy. Eventually, because my stress and unhappiness were not addressed, that lead to anger and anger is a horrible emotion to carry with you day-to-day. It affects you, your work, your employers, your peers and your family and leaves everyone feeling like they received the short end of the stick.

Every time I would think, “This is IT! I am out of here!” I would ask myself the question – what next? And I never had an answer. Then I would look at the upcoming bills and decide that to leave a job without a plan is stupid and wrong and simply could not be done. The problem is that excuse does not really hold water. I did leave a job without a plan back in early 2007. I took a month off and then leaped into a new job that I thought would be a great job. And it was a great job, for awhile. But, I made four mistakes when I accepted the new position.   I accepted a job working with a client base that I already knew I would not enjoy working with, I leaped back into working full-time after one month rather than taking off the three months I promised myself, and I did not look immediately for a new job as soon as I found out that the job I took and the job I worked were two very different things.

But, the allure of taking the next step in my career was too great. The allure of building something new that would benefit others was too big. The paycheck was very nice, too. And the company and people working for it were wonderful. I had to say yes. So I did. And, in doing so I made mistake number four, I forgot the reason why I was taking three months off  - to figure out if the career I had spent over a decade building was the career I actually wanted. Oops.

So I went for the frosting, ignoring the cake beneath, a mistake I’ve made over and over in my career. I picked a career and job(s) based on a nice paycheck, and the amazing company (and I’ve had the pleasure of working for many amazing companies and with so many amazing people) and ignored the very real possibility that the work and the clients that come with it are just not my cup of tea.    I never really sat down and said to myself “Career, I’m just not that into you”.   I thought if I did I would set off a chain of events so apocalyptic to my career that I’d never recover.    And maybe I have.   But I no longer think that is a bad thing.

On July 24th, I joined the ranks of the unemployed.   I promised myself that the next eight weeks would be about sleeping, healing, and Drue.   And for the last seven weeks, I’ve slept, healed and spent time with Drue.  But revolving my life around my child and her schedule is not healthy.  Nor is it what I really want my life to be about.   This is not taking away from Drue – she is the most amazing creature that walks the earth and many people can attest to that (and a few aren’t even related!).  However, I am the type of person who requires something that is completely mine, that I can obsess over and work hard towards and end my day with a sense of accomplishment.   And that something has to be greater than getting grass stains out of the knees of Drue’s khakis and making sure I’ve feng shui’ed my house.

I’ve set a series of mini goals to work on and attend to over the coming weeks, between today and my birthday on October 12th.   You can find them under Lists in the left-hand navigation bar in the coming days.  The purpose of this, the higher goal, if you will, is to structure my unstructured existence where I accomplish tasks on a daily basis; however, I don’t want to be structured to the point where I cannot be spontaneous (and maybe a little frivolous).    I’m also working on my 101 things to do in 1001 days list which will commence on my birthday.   The 101 things are all about me meeting personal challenges, facing and overcoming my fears and allowing me the time, space and energy to figure out what my passions truly are and what I might like to do next.     I’m also trying to be realistic.   While I might like to get my BS/MA in 1001 days, I don’t actually see that happening.

This Friday is the end of my eight week stretch of doing little and recovering a lot.    I feel good.   Actually I feel pretty darn great.   Last night, we drove to North Carolina and today we’ll continue on to Atlanta for my nephew’s first birthday.   We’ll be there for four fun-filled days.   Then Monday, we are back and I’ll be getting back to work in my new, somewhat defined, unstructured structured routine.    Stay tuned for what’s next.  Honestly, I have no idea what that will be… and I’m okay with that.