lifeinflux

A simple(r) life…

// October 5th, 2009 // Life

There are so many good things that came from leaving the 9-to-5 grind that I find it hard to define the “best” one.   Surprisingly, cutting back has become less of an obstacle and more of a challenge.   Sure, I freaked out a little when I realized that dropping $25 a week on hair product that just sit on the shelves in my bathroom was no longer going to be the norm.  And by a little, I mean I sat in the back aisle of Ulta, clutching my basket filled with gel and spritz and hair wax in one hand and my iPhone in the other, looking at my bank balance while moaning that I sliced my toiletries budget way too much!   I mean, I love my hair product.

The other area I’ve cut cost is in my entertainment budget.   Where going out was once the rule, now it is the exception.  I also find that I spend more quality time with friends and family.  This is a great thing but some of my friendships have changed dramatically since scaling back the distraction of outside socialization.  I’m finding the people I’ll meet for a drink with and to attend a show with are not necessarily the same people I want to have in my home, discoursing with, while playing a mad game of Pictionary or Chess.  In some ways, scaling back has caused me to really accept who I am and what is important to me and that does not always gel with the people I used to spend the bulk of my free time around.   There is also the reality that the people I enjoy spending snippets of time with around a social event bore me to tears – and vice versa – when we don’t have an event or occasion to bond us together.   On the other hand, people I never would have thought about spending time with have proved to be fascinating individuals I want to get to know better.    The sucky part – yes, I just said sucky – is that developing mature relationships with people require trust, open communication, sharing yourself and your beliefs, thoughts and ideals and letting people see YOU are required.   And these are areas I do not excel in.      Developing relationships require communication and commitment, two things I don’t handle well.

Since April of this year, I’ve taken a realistic point of view towards many of my close friendships and accepted that they are based on character traits that are no longer present in myself or others.   Most people have the luxury of knowing fundamentally who they are at a young(er) age.  Sure they need to grow up and evolve – no one should be static their entire lives – but they have a core of values and beliefs to draw from and nurture as they experience the journey we know as life.    I did not have that; growing up in an abusive environment leads to disassociation from yourself and the life you’re currently living.   Instead of spending time defining yourself within safe boundaries, you’re trying to survive a very unsafe existence and finding out who you are is less important when you cannot trust there will be a you left at the end of it.   Once you get away from it and spend a few years mulling over why you survived while accepting all the guilt, pain, anger and loneliness that come from it, you are then faced with the fact that no matter what happened to you, the choice is yours and yours alone as to whether you’re going to be okay.   Now you have to find it within yourself to either accept you’ll be angry and hateful and focused on the past or you have to choose to forgive and come to a place where you accept that forgetting is not possible but moving beyond your past is.   And then, once you feel like you’re fundamentally okay, you realize and, hopefully, find acceptance that you’ve lost YEARS of your life to this process and that’s okay too.     Unless you’re a hermit during the years of abuse, recovery and healing, you acquire friends.  Or rather, you acquire people you call friends, some of whom are probably not very nice to you or good for you because, let’s face it, there have been a lot of times during this process where you haven’t been too nice to you either.    Since I’m too outgoing to be a hermit, I’ve migrated through various groups of people trying to find where I fit in without letting go of too much of myself.    This hasn’t created the fairest situation for the people in my life or myself.  It’s also kept me bound to people that, in an honest moment, I find I am not all that fond of spending time with or energy on.    But there was a measure of safety with those individuals.  I did not have to open up to them because they weren’t around for me and who I was but what I brought to the occasion, the online channel or how I met their wants and needs. On the flip side, I’ve neglected some wonderful people who have quietly proven over and over to be supportive, caring individuals.

I’ve also become sensitive to the fact that I am guilty, as are many adults who survived childhoods filled with abuse and neglect, of looking to friends to fill roles typically occupied by family.     Sometimes I think I expect too much of people; other times I wonder when the right to expect some form of reciprocation became passe’.    Miriam Webster’s Online Dictionary defines friend as “one attached to another by affection or esteem”.  The next definition is “one that is not hostile”.    Well, I am not hostile to most people.   But I wouldn’t call them friends either.     Thanks to the ease of connecting online and the plethora of events I can immerse myself in here in DC, I’ve perfected my ostrich-like tendencies and collected more people in my life but haven’t sat down and thought about whether these are folks I want to spend more than ten minutes at a time around or who I would indulge in more than the occasional banter about the show we just saw or the art we just looked at.   Those few friends who are in my inner circle have a high bar to reach; for far too long, I’ve looked to them to fill inner needs that, by this time, I should be able to either meet myself or have others in my life to help ease the burden those few carry. As for online friends, I constantly hide behind the wall that online socializing provides and some of my biggest supporters over the last decade are people I’ve not taken the time to spend quality real life time with.

And the blame for that lies squarely on my shoulders.   I didn’t want to get out there.  Because getting out there means showing you who I am and facing the rejection or, worse yet, acceptance, that I’m now a perfectly fine person in my own right.   Rejection and neglect feel more comfortable because that’s what I grew up with.  Feeling mistreated is the norm; so what do I do with these nice, ookey, messy feelings of acceptance by people who are normal and interesting in their own rights as opposed to the people creating so much drama to prove to the world that they are special and damaged and different and NOT OKAY?   Because while I am not terribly fond of people like this, I have to admit to myself that these people are my comfort zone.  Which doesn’t make sense to me at all.   Comfort is supposed to give strength or hope to a person; to ease the grief or trouble of someone.   So what does one do when ones comfort zone is merely what one is used to as opposed to comfortable or providing comfort?

You get out of that comfort zone.

Next Monday, I turn 35.   35 is supposed to be one of those BIG birthdays because it’s halfway to 40.    35 is not big for me for that reason.  I could care less about the number itself or the proximity to 40.    This is a big birthday because it feels like all the promises I made to myself at 25, 28, 30, 32 (see where I’m going with this) have gone from some nebulous “this is my year folks!” to actual goals.   Instead of saying I’m going to do x, y and z, I’ve actually gone out there and done x and y.  Z?  Well z is still a work in progress and I’m okay with that.

On October 12th, I start my 101 things in 1001 days journey.  Each and every item is designed to take me out of my comfort zone, to force me to meet new people, connect with people I’ve always wanted to connect with but never dared to do so before,  and to try new things or perfect old skills.   The common goal is to simplify my life so that I am living a life filled with good things, noble pursuits and simplicity.    Everyone tosses around the adage “life life today as if you’d die tomorrow” and honestly, I have few regrets.  But I also know I’d kick and scream and pitch a fit if I died tomorrow because I am simply not done yet.   I haven’t even really started to live the life I want to tell you the truth.   So this 101 things is a beginning; a starting place if you will.    And I hope if you’re reading this that you will want to come along for the ride.   The list will be up shortly.

People often ask me what the best part of escaping the 9-to-5 grind is.     A simpler life is usually the answer I give them and it’s true even if it’s not the whole truth.   The whole truth is that the best part is the time I have now to concentrate on the people, the skills and the paths that are most important to me.    My time is no longer controlled by others’ expectations, unrealistic or otherwise.   My time is my own.  And whether I succeed or fail is, for the first time, completely on my shoulders, just like it always has been.  The difference is that I recognize that my success and failures are my own because for the first time I don’t have anyone else to point a finger at except me.  And that’s true freedom – accepting that your life is your responsibility.    Could I have done this while working 40-60 hours a week at a normal job?   Sure, eventually.    Would I have come to this place by this point in my life had I continued down the path I was on?   I don’t think so since all of my energies were focused towards others’ needs – my bosses, my clients, my friends, etc. – and not my own.

So while it was hard giving up my hair product addiction, both my hair and my bank account are a lot healthier because of it.  I wish I’d done it years ago.    The same holds true for developing deep and meaningful friendships with people while accepting that it’s okay to have people in your life who you wouldn’t invite over for a dinner party but who are perfect for hitting a club with and listening to live music.   And those people are my friends, too.   And like giving up hair product, giving up old habits and the people who are in my life for the wrong reasons – mine and theirs – will be tough.   But at the end of it, I know that my life will be healthier because of it.  And that’s what ultimately matters.