Over the last three years, I’ve donated over 500 hours of my time volunteering at Drue’s school in support of the theatre arts program.   This does not include the time I volunteer supporting other programs, being room parent for Drue’s class, attending PTA meetings, etc.  I enjoy working with the kids and enjoy the programs I support.  I also recognize that this is finite.   Once Drue hits middle school, the number of hours I am allowed to spend at and around the school will dwindle simply because middle school has programs in place that are run administratively that cover the niche I provide at her elementary school.   As a volunteer, I get a unique perspective into the mindset and personalities of both child(ren) and parents.   And while the kids are incredibly refreshing and likeable, the parents definitely run the gamut from amazing, lovely people to disrespectful boors.   And in almost every case, it is the parents who don’t volunteer often who complain and are disrespectful the most.

Last night I received an interesting email from a parent regarding our annual Talent Show, coming up the first weekend in February. Essentially, the parent realized that auditions had passed and emailed me informing me first that she was sure she filled out and submitted the form, and then negated that sentiment by saying she needed to talk to another child’s parent to find out what happened to the form. She then stated that she knew auditions were over but asked if her child could be in the Talent Show anyway.

I said no. And I said no for a some very good reasons that can be summed up in a single word – fairness. I get, on average, twelve requests every year after auditions from students and/or their parents asking for the chance to audition for Talent Show. And every year I tell the students and parents no because:
1. They have over a month to get their form filled out and to me either by dropping it off in the office or emailing me;
2. The information on form deadlines and auditions are on the PTA website in a prominent location;
3. I have booked the school for finite dates and times.
4. Other volunteers and staff then commit to being at the school to support the audition process so it is not fair to drag them back in because students and/or parents dropped the ball;
5. And most importantly, it is not fair to the students and parents who did complete their forms and submit them on time to allow people to come in after the fact and audition.

Hopefully any sane and rational person would get that, right? So I assumed this was a sane and rational person all evidence from the last two years to the contrary – and sent her a polite but brief email back stating that I would not allow her to audition and why.

I usually never post other people’s emails but in this case I am making an exception.  Her reply to my email is below with my comments in italics and all names but mine removed because I’m not here to make a spectical out of this person.  I am posting this here so that if you have kids now or have kids in the future, you will know what NOT to do when you don’t get your way:

—-

Wow Jeri, that seems a little heavy handed.  In other words, I did not give her the answer she wanted.

She’s performed this dance last year so you know what it is and she is flexible to do either solo or get added to an existing act. So now she’s saying because I saw her dance last year I should just let her into the Talent Show as either a solo act or add her to an existing act.   Because that’s fair to all the parents and kids who developed a new routine, turned in their form and made it to auditions, right?

I must have messed up on the procedure. What? An admission that you did something wrong?

These are little kids and there are alot of procedures and forms and papers and sometimes mistakes happen. First, this child is a 4th-6th grader, which means this is a child who should be old enough to bring in a form. Second, yes there are a lot of procedures and forms and paperwork but you had six weeks to turn in a single form or email it to me. And third, mistakes do happen. However, when you make a mistake, as a mature, adult you learn from it and move on.  Oh and not to nitpick but it is A LOT – two words, not one.  Sorry, personal pet peeve.  Moving on…

A kind regard would be appreciated. I sign all my emails “Kind regards”. Oh wait, you don’t want a kind regard… you want an exception to the rule!

My child [sic] and I talked about it with you when Drama Club ended. Yes, I am sure two months ago you and your child mentioned she was considering doing something for Talent Show. So did a hundred other children.

I suppose you can’t follow up with every child that expresses a wish to be in the Talent Show but we’ve had discussions about this [sic] and you must have noticed her application was missing? Oh wait, so now this is my fault? Because in the midst of building my company, completing my work, caring for my child, running the Talent Show, and living my life, I did not stop my entire world and realize that your child did not turn in an audition form, I should now make an exception, the fact that your child is not in the Talent Show is my fault? I cannot believe I did not email every single child in the entire school who did not turn in a Talent Show form two weeks ago and make sure they did not forget! Silly me! I’m obviously an awful person!

The opportunity to perform is very important to my child[sic].  If it was that important, one of you would have made sure to turn in the form and follow up before auditions were over.

The mistake was mine not hers. Yes, YOUR mistake, not hers and certainly NOT MINE.

Additionally, I emailed you a couple times about the website for Drama Club pictures and didn’t get a reply but it would have been an opportunity to ask me why you didn’t get my child’s[sic] paperwork. You emailed me in December, four weeks before the forms were even due, about a photo site you created at no prompting or urging from my part or the part of any other coordinators for a different program and you are saying I should have asked you at that time about your daughter’s Talent Show audition form. Are you serious? Am I being punked?

Please, reconsider. No, not only am I not reconsidering but I’m sending your email to the PTA and the administration so that if you complain, they will see what a disrespectful, irrational person you are.
—
Seriously. I usually just huff a little about the occasional impossible, disrespectful, irrational emails I get because they are usually few and far between. On a whole, we have amazing, wonderful, remarkable parents who are very appreciative of the time others give (usually because they are giving of their time and energy as well). This makes ignoring the rotten apples easy. But when a parent blames me for their mistakes and ineptitude, demanding I make an exception when it would be grossly unfair to other students, their parents, my volunteers and school staff alike, it really pisses me off. And then when they whine about it, saying that others should have greater capacity for kindness and forgiveness, it sends me through the roof. Because this is not about showing kindness and forgiveness. This is about being fair to the majority, a task that is particularly hard but very necessary when you are running school programs. This is about YOUR disrespect for my time and my child and my work and my life. It is about you screwing up, making a mistake, and then lashing out and blaming me for your error.

So if you are a parent or thinking about becoming one, understand that there are a lot of people out there giving their time and energy to the “village” it takes to raise these kids.   And when you make a mistake, go ahead and admit your mistake and then politely ask if there is something that can be done.    And if you get an answer you don’t like, accept that it was in fact YOUR mistake, learn from it, and use it as a teaching tool for your kid so they grow up to be responsible, kind, respectful human beings and the move on.   And if you don’t like the way a program is run, get off your rear end and volunteer.

Because frankly, if you don’t follow the rules of engagement, ultimately it is your child who suffers… because no one wants to deal with a kid whose parent is disrespectful, rude and insufferable, no matter how wonderful that particular child may be.

Kiddo, I know you probably won’t ever read this post but I just want to throw it out there that you have my sympathies.   But, sympathies aside, you and every other child who did not make the deadline won’t be in this year’s show.    Fairness sucks sometimes but nowhere in the definition of fair does it say “does not suck”.   So we’ll leave it at “free from favoritism or self-interest or bias or deception” cause that’s the best I can do.