lifeinflux

Of music and Aspergers

// September 27th, 2011 // Featured Post

As a self-diagnosed Gleek, I confess I awaited this year’s season premiere with baited breath. I was eager to see how they would handle Quinn’s transformation, I’ve been wanting Will and Emma together since Teri flashed her fake baby bump and while the Finn/Rachel relationship causes me to go into a diabetic coma (no, I don’t have diabetes), I love the Kurt/Blaine, Kurt/Kurt’s dad relationships and was wondering how Glee would get Darrin Criss and Mike O’Mally more on-screen face time. After watching the first episode, I can absolutely, 100%, without a doubt tell you I have no idea exactly what happened during those 42 minutes of prime time Glee T.V. because all I’ve heard about, thought about and wrapped my brain about was the character of Sugar Motta. And the thing is, the episode was going so well (momentary flashbacks hint at burning pianos, Santana getting kicked out and Quinn with bright pink hair hanging with a Mercedes twin and calling herself a skank – am I on the right page?) until Sugar Motta came in and introduced herself to the Glee Club and to us, the viewers, as having “self-diagnosed Aspergers” so she could pretty much say whatever she wants. And that’s when things got really complicated for me. Granted, it was not complicated then. When I was watching the train wreck that is Sugar Motta, I was laughing. And when she got to the part about being “like a diplomat’s daughter”, I was howling. Until Drue wanted to know what was so funny and why I was laughing at the girl with Aspergers. Then everything got complex and it’s only become worse since.

You see, one could accuse me – and some have – of having self-diagnosed Aspergers. While every doctor and therapist I’ve ever seen agrees I’m firmly on the spectrum and have a whopping case of ADD, they are split right down the middle about the Aspergers diagnosis. It seems I am too functional, too social, and/or too successful to truly have Aspergers according to some. And others don’t feel any of that is indicative of anything other than my ability to adapt to a point. My reality is that a lot of my “adaptation” is because I learned, over time, to surround myself with people who find my Aspergers amusing, endearing, tolerable or even occasionally refreshing. That last group typically suffers from Aspergers themselves, *GRIN*. That said, like many people with Aspergers, daily life can be exhausting and overwhelming and very hard and way too social. Fortunately, I now work from home a LOT which allows me to hide in my Girl Cave and avoid the world as I need and when I need to do so. My daughter, who spends the bulk of each day with me, is amazingly understanding and when I start to show “the signs”, will wander off to do her own thing and leave me to escape into work, or my art, or my music or a book or whatever it is I need to escape into. And fortunately, I have wonderful friends and family who understand or try to understand when I say something that is hurtful, logical, and insensitively true. The reality is that Aspergers, like so many other things, affects different people differently. So while I can now tolerate and even welcome being touched, I still have issues focusing my eyes on yours for long periods of time. I worry a lot about social situations with people I don’t know well and sometimes avoid them if I’ve had a stressful day to ensure I don’t say or do something that could damage new friendships. Small talk plagues me. I have no idea how people can stand around for hours and make idle conversation about absolutely nothing. But, I love games and if there is a specific topic I can focus on, I might bore you to tears before I stop talking about it. However, as I’ve gotten older I’m much better at catching you looking away, eyes glazed over, searching for someone to save you from the conversation I think we’re having. If I like you, I’ll do the proper thing and release you so you can escape. If you’re an ass or I don’t care about you at all, sometimes I’ll keep you trapped in the conversation just to mess with you. Or maybe I didn’t notice because you’re responding and I think you’re as into the conversation as I am, in which case your being stuck there is just as much your fault as mine. Maybe… I love routine, except when I don’t… but trust that the backpack always in my car or on my person has everything we need in case the worst happens. Or as Drue puts it, “Mom can find water, purify it, catch food, cook it and dig you a place to poop and that stuff is just in ONE pocket of her backpack!” And everything is solar or wind up (no batteries) since last I checked the sun is not scheduled to blow up or burn out for another what? 5 billion years?

I’d like to say that I understand why the Aspergers community is up in arms over this episode of Glee and the Sugar Motta character, but frankly, I don’t. There are three pages alone on the Glee Community boards accusing the writers of everything from insensitivity to bullying kids with Aspergers on national television to abuse because of the way Aspergers was portrayed on the show. In my opinion, this has little to nothing to do with Glee and everything to do with the parents freaking out and creating an issue where there really isn’t one. I wonder how many of the kids or teens with Aspergers got upset by what Sugar Motta said and did as opposed to feeding off the reactions of their parents? You see, people with Aspergers have emotions. They are not robots, a word that’s been flung at me by ex-boyfriends, former bosses and people I say no to and then logically explain why they might be acting like dunderheaded idiots, time and time again. However, a person with Aspergers’ expression of emotion usually does not match up with the way they feel inside. For example, I learned at an early age that one should not display inappropriate bursts of negative emotion (crying, being sad, whining, anger, etc).  For a child who, when overwhelmed socially, often retreated behind a wall of inappropriate negative outbursts, I had to find another avenue of expression so I learned to make jokes. This works well in many situations but not so much at a funeral. The last funeral I attended I saw everyone upset and sad and I was sad too. I was also incredibly uncomfortable, out of my element and had asked to be left at home but well, the proper thing MUST be done. So I told a funny story about my last memory of the person playing with Drue and, in the retelling laughed because it was a funny moment. I was gently guided out of the viewing area and away from the family. It took me months to figure out what exactly I did wrong. Because I knew something was wrong, knew I contributed, had all the right emotions going, thought I was contributing and failed to respond appropriately until enough visual clues (that entire family glaring at me was a good indicator) keyed me in that I had done something. That family STILL does not speak to me today because OHMIGOD that freak laughed at our family members funeral! And I felt bad because I was supposed to, but logically, it is not in my interest to give a crap, so I don’t. See how this works? So the thought of a kid or teen or adult bursting into tears over a minor character – who is rude, yes and a terrible singer – while having flashbacks of the time they were removed from choir for an inappropriate outburst due to their Aspergers DOES NOT COMPUTE. However, I can totally see someone with Aspergers sitting there, seeing their parents lose their minds over the perceived slight and reacting in kind because if Mom and/or Dad is wigging out, MY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE is to lose my mind TOO! And without even realizing it, I have added fuel to their perceived slight, fanned the flames of their self-righteous indignation on my behalf and now, NOW they are going to rally the community, demand everyone bans the show and give them something to complain about for the next six months of their lives!!

I seem to remember this kind of uproar when Glee introduced the character of Becky. If memory serves – and it does – when Becky was introduced on Glee she was portrayed as a bit of a social outcast. Sue brings her on the Cheerios after having it out with Will over the need and expense for a bus that would accommodate Artie’s disability and allow him to go to sectionals on the same mode of transportation as the rest of the Glee Club. Will immediately questions her motives… and so did everyone who knew of, had or was associated in some way with a person with downs syndrome. The boards went WILD at first about how insensitive Glee was for putting the character of Becky into a situation where she was obviously being used and misused by Sue… until all of a sudden, the show flashed on a scene where Sue is reading to her sister who has Down’s Syndrome. And then the boards went crazy again with how sensitive the writers are, what a fantastic lesson the show provides, how wonderful it is that Becky made the Cheerios, and how uplifting it is for kids with downs to see such a positive message. Except is it? Do you actually know of a single high school ANYWHERE that would put Becky on a nationally award winning cheerleading squad? But hey, give you people a touchy-feely, it all works out at the end of the day moment and you’re happy and then off you go to find something else to rant about. And Glee gave it to you when Becky tried out for the Glee Club and did not make it… because she cannot hold a tune to save her life.    And believe me was that mentioned on the Glee boards… I believe the exact words were “Glee discriminates against the disabled by not allowing them on the Glee Club!”  Well I think first you need to make up your mind.  Becky did not make the cut for the McKinley High Glee Club because she played pick a pitch and hit notes only small animals with big ears can hear.   And last I checked, everyone was in an uproar because Sugar Motta does NOT have Aspergers… therefore the only reason she was rejected was for her singing. And this is why Aspergers can be very useful – I can parse the logic of the situation and recognize you are being illogical, dramatic and emotive and not making ANY sense whatsoever. But I guess that’s what you normal people do and that’s okay. I accept you.

Glee is a comedy, people.  It is incredibly written, sensitive to touchy subjects and does a fine job portraying complex, drama-filled teenagers and the adults around them in ways many if not most people can relate to in ourselves or in others in our lives.  Some of the characters are over the top and funny (Sue and Brittany being two of them) and some are over the top and annoying (Finn and Rachel) and some are just over the top (Emma).  Pushing off your own issues and lack of understanding on to what was really a very funny moment is not fair, especially when this character was just introduced and not yet developed.   An article from the Child Mind Institute sums it up best:  “Glee is an irreverent, sometimes edgy show that has made fun of just about everyone: football players, cheerleaders, gays, straights, fat people, skinny people, people with OCD. But since there are so few characters who have Asperger’s on television, people in the autism community are looking for real, sensitive depictions that offer teaching opportunities—something Glee is also known for. This entitled, obnoxious girl who uses Asperger’s as her shtick doesn’t disrupt any stereotypes or offer any new information. So far, she isn’t a character who has Asperger’s—just a character who is uninformed and manipulative.” And as for you parents out there defending, and potentially upsetting, your children who happen to have Aspergers know this. You have NO IDEA what it is like to live with Aspergers or on the spectrum. You cannot POSSIBLY relate to how we think or react or emote because you are “normal” (which by the way is a really boring thing to be). By foisting YOUR issues with Aspergers off on others you are doing more damage to me and others who live our lives on the spectrum than any television show could do.

So get over yourself. And Sugar, ROCK ON with your foul-mouthed, self-diagnosed Aspergers, tone deaf singing self!