lifeinflux

A moment of gut clenching truth

// October 16th, 2012 // Featured Post, Life

Roughly a month ago, I saw a great post on MightyGirl about Maggie’s list of personal do’s and don’ts. I loved the idea of actually writing down a list for myself and, in doing so, realize that I carry a lot of hidden anger and latent resentment towards certain situations and occasionally even some really awesome people in my life because of my inability to maintain personal boundaries and to say no. The (sad? funny? insane?) thing is that this is not the first time I have put together a list of things I need to do to maintain Jeri optimal health As I read through my past list(s), I realized a startling pattern. Every time I’ve sat down and stated that I need to do certain, specific things to get healthy, keep myself sane and find balance in my life, within a week or two I take on new challenges or tasks that guarantee I won’t have the time, energy or fortitude to set myself on a path for personal success regarding my own wellbeing.

For example, in 2007, it was not enough that I was working 60-70 hour weeks, I had to take on running Drue’s school Talent Show. In 2008, when work slacked off a little after my promotion I took on Drue’s school’s Drama Club. In 2009, I quit my job and started running my own company and took the school Drama Club to the next level. 2010 was a good year – I finally stopped saying yes to other people and identified where I wanted to live (California) and who I wanted as clients (companies as opposed to the government) and took huge, all-consuming steps to make that happen by August. Then, in January of 2011 when life got on an even keel and I determined I needed to spend some time and energy on myself and my own personal interests, I then disrupted the balance by bringing in eight puppies and their mother into our home for four months, homeschooling Drue, and expanding my business by hiring employees and taking on additional contracts. And the list keeps going…

While I don’t regret any of these actions and have met wonderful people, learned a lot about myself and others and had a great time doing almost all of them, I’ve spent the last few days asking myself why I constantly commit 110% of myself to everything else thereby guaranteeing I have very little left for myself. Last week I stumbled across Stephanie Zamora’s site on personal development and purposeful living and read her post on How to Embrace the Void so You Can Live a Life of Passion, Joy and Fulfillment. Reading this post was the emotional equivalence to being hit with a Mack truck. I realized that instead of owning my emotions and allowing myself to feel what I feel, I stuff them down using anything and everything I can find to distract me or that allows me to hide whatever disappointments, hurts or other negative emotions I might be feeling. All of that type-A, work-a-holic, robotic type behavior is not because this is who I am but rather what I am hiding behind. And rather than say, “I am feeling _________________” or “I need ___________________”, I take on a new challenge or say yes to something when I really want to say no. And then the resentment begins, and it becomes someone else’s fault.

A most recent example of this is the almost martyr-like attitude I’ve taken with Drue’s homeschooling. Any issue Drue has with her own schooling must be MY fault because I am her mom and her teacher; therefore, I should read more books, revamp her work schedule, sign her up for a new class or two or three, make those extra drives down to San Jose so she can be with her friends, etc. etc. etc. Rather than let her take some accountability and fail (OHMILORD – does that reflect on me as her parent and teacher?) or succeed on her own merit and hard work, something she should be allowed to do, I become resentful of the time homeschooling takes away from other areas of my life and she becomes resentful of me treating her as a problem to solve. And really she’s not a problem to solve – this was just one more way for me to focus on something other than the truth of how I feel the disruption in my day, my work and my creative process that comes with having her home, the constant interruptions, driving her to programs, and all the other challenges that come with homeschooling. And that truth is coming out slowly as I allow myself to admit it to myself and remind myself constantly that not liking certain things and not wanting to do certain things does not make me a bad parent or a bad person.

So last night I sat down and wrote out my own personal list of Do’s and Don’ts. What would be on YOUR Do’s and Don’t list?